CHARACTER: Though I liked John Wilson a lot on the whole, I had some problems with the way he let himself be seduced by Ophelia. It really wasn't an intelligent thing to do since it undermined Ophelia's negotiating position -- if Tony found out about the affair, he would be able to claim she was just as unfit a parent as he was and put up a real fight for custody. And since John seems intelligent and interested in Ophelia's well being, he must have been motivated by a strong (read unreasonable) passion to be willing to bed her. Yet he seems to approach the affair with a lot of calm calculation. It seems out of character.

I think you should spend a little bit more time on his background. I loved his combination of skills -- as I said, the Lew Archer types are usually not academics -- but you don't ever explain how his unique combination of talents came about. If he was interested in literature, why did he go into the CIA? And how did he wind up freelancing as a private detective? You need just a little more explanation to make him really plausible.

Finally, his commentary, while intelligent and thoughtful, is more psychological and theological than literary. Aside from a one or two rather commonplace references to Shakespeare, he doesn't show his literary credentials very much. You should either beef up his literary abilities or make his discipline psychology (or perhaps even theology).

OTHER: Just a nitpick, really -- you may want to change your setting to a slightly larger town. John mentions at the end that he doesn't want his name in the papers because he has to retain some anonymity in order to do his job. But if he is an academic private investigator in a town of twenty-five thousand, I would think word would get out anyway.

Also, you mentioned in our phone conversation that some of your readers felt Tony's practical jokes made your story seem misogynistic. I felt the opposite -- Tony's woman- hating was all of a piece with his childishness, so it was clear you weren't endorsing it.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

You can probably take care of the character points I've mentioned above without any further advice from me, but you might find a more detailed memo helpful in dealing with the weaknesses in the mystery. I really have to read the manuscript a second time -- after I know how it ends -- and put in some careful thought to be able to see just where your weaknesses are and suggest ways around them. This memo would also address the character problems in more detail and cover other little points I may not have noticed on my first reading.

If you'd rather not go for a memo, I know you can make Bill and Angela less conspicuous if you were to give them a reason to be involved in the story. If Bill got involved in John's investigation in some other way than simply feeding John information (it's a little obvious that's what he's doing), then your readers will be less likely to suspect him.

Whether you decide on the memo or not, you will probably want to go for line-editing eventually, where I actually take pencil to paper to help polish your style. No matter how strong your writing style is, there are always weak spots you can't see because you're too close to them. Line-editing can bring you to your best, all of the time.

Finally, you should understand that your manuscript is probably publishable as it is. The suggestions I've made here and would make in further editing will make it more likely that you will find an agent and get a contract, but you are already writing adult fiction at a professional level. So even if you don't decide on further editing, keep writing.

But I hope you'll go for further editing, because this would be fun to work on. Let me know when we can get together on the phone to work it out.

Take care,